I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
