I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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