Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
