Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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