What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
