dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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