so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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