You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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