I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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