I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
