I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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