Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
