Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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