if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
