so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
