I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
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she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
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And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
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