Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
it was like having sex with a tree stump
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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