Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
