I think my fart just growled at me.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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