Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
