I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
