i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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