Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
