pedialite and red bull = repair kit
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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