You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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