I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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