you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
