A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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