You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
i dont even know how to be here
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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