How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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