he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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