I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
