hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
