On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Randomize
