I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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