i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
