dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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