these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I need to sanitize my soul.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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