i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
