I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
sarcasm needs its own font
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
