1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
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Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
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I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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