Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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