I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
