My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
