my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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