note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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