ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
