Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
