Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
