This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
