The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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