Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.