u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.