I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
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