No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
