hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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