If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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