Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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