remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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