they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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