You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
