my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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